It is a commonly held belief that Outrigger Canoe has its origins in the diverse Polynesian islands, as a method of quick inter-island transport. New archeological evidence suggests that the roots of Outrigger Canoe Paddling go back much further in history than previous estimations. The exact dates and origins of Outrigger Canoe Paddling have always been a hot topic of discussion, going back to the French Salons of the 18th century, where dandy gentlemen would discuss the benefits of Le Outrigger to the cause of popular revolution.The debate continues today among the worlds leading archeologists and forensic anthropologists. Dr. Gunal, an anthropologist at Merriment University called the field of Outrigger Studies “Nothing more than an exercise in academic histrionics!”. When asked to elaborate on his position, Dr. Gunal commenced to let out a loud “hurrah!” then run across campus while continually counting to him self out loud, repeating the same numbers over and over again. Several other prominent academics where asked to elaborate on there position regarding the origins of Outrigger Canoe, only to exhibit the same strange behavior. One professor went so far as to jump into Lake Placid, stating he needed to “find the red buoy”. When told there was no red buoy in Lake Placid, he began to cry uncontrollable.
The only straight answer I could find came from a professor Octavian McLovin at the University of Alternate Studies, a small liberal arts college known for its eccentric and often time derided curriculum, which includes Shakra Meditation for the Hirsute and a class called Sea Slugs for Colon Health. Mr. McLovin had this to say about Outrigger Canoe “Excavations of Meso-American ruins indicate that a version of Outrigger Canoe Paddling was played by Aztec royalty as early as the 2nd century BCE. The grueling high endurance sport was considered the ultimate test of physical and mental fortitude. Boats were often fielded by family groups in matches against other prominent family groups. Repercussions for a lose often included several days of extra practice, followed by vocal beratement by the Aztec chief that could last several months. Such humiliation could lead to an extreme loss of self esteem and cause the losing paddlers to spend years lifting rocks in the quarry, in a attempt to gather strength for a future race.
The Aztecs living further inland, lacking beachfront property, would race each other on foot. Teams would carry there boats above there heads and run through several miles of jungle. One member of each team would be nominated to sit on top of the overturned boat as his team members carried it, and that person would call out the change. Change in these races involved the runners executing a 108 degree turn then running backwards. Several hundred years later, Spanish conquistadores would adapt Outrigger Canoe into a sport called Outrigger Football, in which teams would carry boats while attempting to kick a rubber ball into a net. Both versions of the sport were considered very dangerous, as boats often fell on competitors and crushed entire teams to death. Eventually the sport was limited to boats being paddled on water. There are still rumors of Amazonian tribes who continue the sport in its original and unadulterated form. Rumors seemed to be spurred by the finding of mysteriously crushed bodies , always in sets of five.
Evidence suggests that it was an Aztec Outrigger Canoe washed ashore on a Polynesian island that brought the sport to the area often credited with its origination. I told Mr. McLovin that his history seemed a little suspect, at which point he asked "Do you have a P.H.D from The University of Alternate Studies?”. When I responded in the negative, he stated that I just answered my own question and then commenced to take off his pants. It was at this point that I knew the interview was over. My investigation into the strange and mysterious sport of Outrigger Canoe Paddling will continue on and I will update this blog as I gather more information. If In the course of my investigation, I mysteriously disappear, know I died learning about something I love.
